![]() ![]() If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away - then they’re just “I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.” “I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. “My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.” How could you not like John Mulaney? He’s hilarious! ![]() That’s like when your Gram would be like, ‘We’d all go to play jacks by the side fountain.’ And you’re like, ‘Nobody knows what you’re talking about, you idiot'” “I was once on the phone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. “If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.” “When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’.” I don’t think it’s anything serious, but isn’t it, though? I’ll be in a restaurant and I’ll get up and be like, “What did I sit in?” And it was me.” “Just because you’re accurate, it doesn’t mean you’re interesting.” “Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings.” So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.” “Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.” My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.” “College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?” “Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone, and I’ll be like ‘Yeah, I’ve been really lonely lately’ and they’ll be like ‘Well we should hang out!’ and I’m like ‘No, that’s not what I meant. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.” “I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.” “I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.” “Why do people shush animals? They just go ‘Shhh, hey, shhh.’ They’ve never spoken.” Here are over 40 of his funniest quips, comments and observations about, well, everything! Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes and Best Stories Stand-up comedian and Saturday Night Live alum John Mulaney is well-known for his incredibly funny routines. If you use this content please attribute Emily Peoples via as a contributor of your adapted content. This content is licensed under CC BY 4.0. ![]()
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